Language-related jokes

The creative interpreter

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, an interpreter was in the saloon and offers to translate for the Ranger. He tells the bandit he is under arrest, and the ranger wants to know where he hid the loot. The bandit replies in Spanish, "Vete al infierno!". The ranger tells the translator "Did you tell him I will shoot him, if he doesn't tell me?". The translator repeats this to the bandit. The bandit spits at the ranger. The ranger shoots him in the kneecap and puts the gun again to the bandit's head. He tells the translator "Tell him this is his last chance. He tells me where the money is, or I kill him."

The bandit is screaming in pain and cursing the ranger. But he is also scared for his life now. The terrified bandit blurts out, "Tienen que caminar tres cuadras hasta ese gran arbol: allí está el dinero". What did he say?" asks the Ranger. The translator answers, "He said 'Get lost, gringo. You wouldn't dare kill me.'"


One for the Brits ...

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded, "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen," the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."


... one for the Yanks ...

At a cocktail reception, a small group included an admiral from the US Navy and one from the French Navy.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English. He asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"

Without hesitating, the American admiral replied, "Perhaps it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German?"


... and one for both!

A Swiss guy, visiting UK or US (as you wish), pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.

"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he asks.

The two just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous français?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Forse parlate italiano?".

No response.

"¿Entonces hablan ustedes español?".

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first local turns to the second and says, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other, "That guy knew four of them, and it didn't do him any good."


Hello!

EuroEnglish

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish": --

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgracful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

The importance of punctuation

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria

Southern United States to English glossary

Bard. Verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

Jawjuh. Noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

Munt. Noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

Ignert. Adjective. Not smart.

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

Ranch. Noun. A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

All. Noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

Far. Noun. A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

Tarred. Adjective. Exhausted.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

Rat. Noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

Farn. Adjective. Not local.

Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

Ear. Noun. A colorless, odorless gas.

Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

Gummit. Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"